Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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