So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
