every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize