There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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