i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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