Best friends brother. Beat that.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
