So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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