never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
