im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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