Ketchup is God's man juice
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
