The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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