Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
