HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
