false alarm. still invincible.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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