I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
