I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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