I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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