i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
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If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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