sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
