I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
