how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
