im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
