Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
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