It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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