Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
my liver is dry heaving
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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