Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
