if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I supernannyed him into submission
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
