my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
