9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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