i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize