I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
