I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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