I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
