Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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