The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
