Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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