my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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