I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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