either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
