Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
