When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
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Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
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Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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