Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
