The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
