I accidentally had phone sex last night
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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