if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
