Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
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I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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