thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Come share oat with me in your robe
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
