I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
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