the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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