Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
