Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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