Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
