I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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