How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
