First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
